


My missing heart

by Mind_Over_Matter



Series: The life of Stiles Stilinski after the nogitsune [1]
Category: Supernatural, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of the Nogitsune, Always Has Been, M/M, Scott is a horrible friend, Stiles Leaves the Pack, if we being honest with ourselves, stiles deals with his guilt by himself, stiles has depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-03-18 15:11:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13684212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mind_Over_Matter/pseuds/Mind_Over_Matter
Summary: After the death of Allison, Adien and many more, the pack after defeating the nogitsune, left stiles alone, saying they just needed time, but as time kept moving with no regard for the fallen, it becomes hard for stiles to keep up with his day to day life, school; well that’s never really been to much of a problem for the young genius, but now, he’s lucky if he can stay awake in class let only understand what’s going on, The pack? Well they don’t want nothing to do with Stiles, not that he can really blame them, but they avoid him like the plague, And don’t even get him started on his relationship with his father.Life in Beacon Hills has become Stiles’ hell, and it just doesn’t seem worth it anymore, everything Stiles used to fight for is either gone, or hates him.So what’s he point?Oh, Yeah that’s right, there isn’t one.





	1. The Void

**Author's Note:**

> Talk of a depressed state, please be warned that it may be triggering, if you get triggered easily please take caution.

“ALLISON!!” Lydia’s voice tore through the air, Stiles stared in horror as his soundings came flashing back to him, he became aware of himself pulling a grin in place, a dark and evil thing, promising pain to all those who witnessed it. 

Stiles felt a sharp tug at his soul, and he soon realized with terror why it felt familiar but wrong, cold, with a subconscious jolt, His spark Stiles realized, but it wasnt his spark at the same time.

‘NO,NO!’ Stiles tried to scream out, to warn his friends, but like all the times before this one, Stiles and his voice was lost, chained within himself, forced to watch. 

And then Allison was Dead, and soon after so was Adien, their were so many people all dead because of him.

Stiles felt a coldness seep deeper then that of the nogitsune, it was a cold, dark, empty hole that creeped into his very soul, and the hole only seemed to get bigger and bigger, and soon all that was left was a Void.


	2. Chapter 2

It was cold, and even though it was the middle of summer, Stiles couldn’t get warm, it’d been two months since the nogitsune had been defeated, but those two months had been far to long for Stiles, he pulled his long sleeves down up until his fingers where holding the material down into his palm, Stiles was always cold, had been since he felt his spark being used by the nogitsune, and while the others didn’t know this, and they probarly never would, not if he could help it, but the nogitsune didn’t think it’d be enough for it to be stiles body that killed Allison, and so It had used Stiles’ spark.

And while he felt guilty about it his first feelings on the whole situation, was about himself, not about the friend he’d just lost, no killed, because it was his spark and while he may not have been in control, the spark was Stiles’ soul, he’d thought about how wrong it felt just to be in his own body, he felt violated in every sense of the word, it had felt like a deep and crushing wave of loss and agony had come crushing down on him, he’d lost his very soul that day, and it hurt so damn badly, all the time.

If Stiles wasnt in pain, he was drowning in guilt and self-loathing, he’d never thought is was possible to loathe himself so deeply and truly, he’d never felt like this before, even when he was trying to figure out what was wrong with him, before he’d found out what his sexuality was, and if it wasnt his overwhelming guilt for all those people at the hospital, the station and then Allison and Adien, and even more guilt at the thought of all the family’s that lost someone because of him.

If it wasnt either of those things that Stikes was feeling, then it was a deep and crushing numb, at first Stiles thought being numb to the world was a great thing, hell probably the best thing to happen to him in a long time, but then the numbness didn’t go away, and it started to feel like if he didn’t feel anything then he wasnt any better then the nogitsune, and while to his logical brain it was stupid, it had made perfect sense in every other part of Stiles, and it’d sent him into his first of many panic attacks.

Stiles would wake up screaming every night, if he’d been able to sleep at all the is, he’d gotten in three hours of sleep this week and it was already Wednesday, his father didn’t really notice the changes to much, he was either at the bottom of a bottle or at work avoiding coming home to see Stiles, and that’s hurt almost as much as losing his soul had been.

The Pack; well every singal member of the Hale-McCall pack were avoiding him at any and all costs, he couldn’t really blame them, but he’d often wish he had someone to talk to, hell he’d even take creepy uncle Peter, that was how bad it was. 

Everything hurt, and often it’d leave him sick, today was his last day in Beacon Hills not that anyone other than himself knew that of course, it wasn’t like hed be missed, they’d be more likely to throw a party at his disappearance rather than actually look for him, and was okay with that, made peace with it over the last week, when the idea of leaving had appeared in his head, he was okay with it, he’d deserve nothing more.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to get this posted, but I had writers block, but anyway, here it is, same warnings apply, read at your own risk. 
> 
> hint: the winchesters dont take to kind to getting their asses saved by teenagers. LOL

The night was cold, but it seemed that that was a common occurrence these days, the bus was dark and all its occupants but one were peacefully sleeping, Stiles tossed and turned, quite whimpers escaped him,the dark circles under his eyes are almost a purple colour, his skin is so translucent, it looks sickly, his cheek bones stand out with the skin pulled tight, it seemed that within the two weeks since Stiles left Beacon Hills he had become a walking skeleton.

It was the last bus trip that Stiles was going to be ridding this week, he was tried and the bus sets where uncomfortable, he hadn't had a goodnights sleep since before his mother had died, but these sets makes sleep even less likely.

Stiles was just so tried, he didn't even know why he was running anymore, it wasn't like anyone would ever look for him, he just wanted it to all stop, maybe he can make it stop, it would be so easy, he had no identification on him, hadn't since he left, got rid of it along with his phone and anything else that could identify him, by the time the found his body there would be he would be a ghost.

That sounded perfect, but he knew he wouldn't be able to, if he had he would have been dead long before the nogitsune, god knows he tried. The bus rolled to a stop, and while most people carried on sleeping, Stiles steped off, he walked to a nearby motel and booked a room for four nights, if he wasnt going to keep running, he might as well as sleep in an actual bed right?

The night and day that followed passed in a blur of restless sleep, and staring at the wall. The second night of his stay Stiles got up and wondered the streets near the motel in a zombie like state, he wondered what his dad was doing, if he'd even gone home yet, and if he had, had he noticed that Stiles wasnt there even though his car was still in the drive way? He probably hadn't and if he had he'd probably just ignored it and kept drinking, Stiles wouldn't be suprised. Even though Stiles knew that he had no right after he'd ruined everyones lives but he was worried, had there been another supernatural attack? 

Stiles was broken out of his thoughts when he heard a crash, his curious nature sparked into a small flame, something that now that it had happened, he realized he hadn't felt like this since before the nogitsune, he crept silently down the ally way, there was a man leaning against a dumpser, grunting he had green eyes, light freckles on his face and short-cropped Ivy-league hair that looked dark blonde. He appeared to be 6'1", there was another man pushing against the green eyed man, the second man had his head in the green eyed mans neck, there was blood coming out of greens neck, Stiles looked around and spotted a machete lying discared on the floor.

He grabbed the machete and yelled, "HEY!" when the creature turned around Stiles swung and blood splattered across his face and down the ally way walls, when he opened his eyes again he looked down at the head of the creature, "Oh My God! It's a vampire? Vampires are real! Haha! Take that Derek!" Stiles laughed, he looked up at the green eyed man and found him staring at Stiles like it was him who lost his head.

"Who the hell are you? Give me that!" the man yelled at Stiles, grabbing the machete from him.

"I'm the guy that just saved your ass." Stiles said sarcastically, "But most people just call me Stiles." Stiles said after getting a Derek level glare from the man. "Who the hell are you?" Stiles questioned, the man just muttered under his breath something that sounded alot like,"What the hell is a Stiles?" as he started to walk away, Stiles ran after him, "Hey where are you going? What just happened back there?" 

Another man rounded the corner, he was 6'4'', His hair is brown and tousled, and his eyes are a piercing green. He is well toned and muscular, "Dean, what the hell happened? Are you okay? Who the hell is that." The man-Dean turned around and glared at Stiles, "That is a Stiles" the other man just looked even more confused," What the hell is a Stiles?" "That's what I said", "Hey!" Stiles and Dean said at the same time, the other man just looked amused.

"Does anyone want to tell me what the hell is happening here?" Stiles demaned 

"I'm Sam and this is my brother Dean, we're-" 

"Hunters, yeah I got that part, but vampires? There actually real? What else is there? OMG are zombies real two? Oh gosh this is so cool!"

"Sammy, the kid's not freaking out, why isnt the kid freaking out? Okay who the hell are you really?" Dean grabbed Stiles by the neck of his shirt, and shook him, "DEAN!", "OW!" Stiles and Sam protested at the same time, 

"Dean let the kid go!" Sam exclaimed, Dean looked unhappy but he let go of Stiles, who fell to the ground with a groan. "Really?" Stiles asked irritated.

"Come on kid, you're coming with us" Dean stated, the brothers and Stiles walked out of the ally way and all the way back to the motel that Stiles had been staying at, the boys walked to a room next two Stiles' room, Stiles couldn't help but let out a chuckle, when the brothers looked back at him with questioning looks on their faces he just shook his head, Dean just rolled his eyes and opened the door, while Sam gave Stiles a smile, which he returned.

As Stiles was in the door way into the room he realized with a jolt that this was the first time he had laughed and smiled since the nogitsune, and then all Stiles wanted to do was cry, two men that he had known less then two hours had made him happy in a way he hadn't felt in a long time, and it probably wasn't going to last, they were either just going to find out what Stiles knew about the supernatural and then they'd be gone, or they where going to kill him for knowing to much or something equally ridiculous because that was just how is life worked. Any happeness is repaid with ten times the death and pain. 

Stiles backed away and turned to leave when a hand grasped his sleeve, he turned his head and saw with shock that it was Dean that had stopped him, he had this soft look in his eyes that Stiles got the feeling wasnt there as often as it sould be.

"Kid you okay?" Dean asked in a soft voice that Stiles didn't deserve, he just made thing worse, he couldn't understand why Dean was being nice to him, "Yeah, um can I go change? I feel really gross with all this blood on me?" 

"Sorry kid, we cant let you go home like that, it'd freak your parents out." Dean said, "but you can shower here and we'll give you some of our clothes to change into and then we'll take you home." 

"Oh, um, that wont be necessary." Stiles walked out of the room with Sam and Dean following him out, he pulled out his keys for the room and opened the door, he switched on the light and went to the bed, he knelled down and picked up his bag room under the bed. He put his bag on his shoulder and walked out of the room, switching off the light and locking the door in the process. When he sees Sam and Dean looking at him funny he says, " I thought maybe you'd be more comfortable where your weapons are?"

He turns and walkes back into the brothers room missing the look they share behind his back. After showering Stiles puts on his clothes only to realize he didn't bring a shirt into the bathroom with him, taking a deep breath Stiles opens the door and steps out of the bathroom, hearing this the brothers look up from what they are doing, Dean cleaning his guns, Sam something on his computer, both brothers make audible intakes of breath, but Stiles just ignores them and goes to his bag, he pulls out a long sleeved t-shirt and turns to walk back into the bathroom, when Sam stops him with a hand on his arm, Stiles instinctively flinches from the hold, and Sam lets go instantly.

"Kid waht the hell happened?" Dean asked, "I learnt just how dangerous hunters can be" Stiles reply's with venom, knowing they are talking about the scars on his back from Gerard Argent. Stiles puts on his shirt and askes,"So, what happens now?" 

The brothers share a look before Sam asks, "How do you feel about a road trip?"


End file.
